On Luv 🖤 Part 2

You may never be as in love as two teenagers sharing one scooter, but you can dream.

And if we can't fall head over heels with our AP History crush, or face-first over the front of a Lime scooter, how do we navigate finding a mate? Here's some shit I tried.

Everyone knows (and if you didn’t know you know now), when I get serious about something, I get a coach. See exhibit A: hiring a jump rope coach (shout out to Curt for not laughing after I cunt-punched myself with the rope and fell to my knees like the cartoon I am).

Ignore my cunt, let's get to the actual point.

After my divorce, I had much rebuilding to do, so it took me a while to really consider what dating intentionally might look like, what it would mean, or even if it was for me. I mean, I met potential romantic partners all the time—so why would I need a dating coach?

But meeting people is different than knowing what you're looking for, what you want, what your needs are, and being able to express all of that to a new person (ahh). The fact that I had never seen that gap before—had been so confused by the chasm between what I was being offered and my unmet needs. Spoiler alert: that gap was WIDEEEE.

I'm a lunatic who loves homework. I see it as a sign of progress, of chipping away at something larger. So yeah, I took my dating homework seriously.

Understand what happened to you. See the pattern so you can do it differently. What you don't change, you choose. (So cliche but not wrong.)

This assignment is about getting brutally honest with yourself and mapping out your relationship patterns. Here's what you need to do:

Step 1: Make your list

Write out every significant person in your life: all past romantic relationships, close friendships, even family dynamics if they feel relevant. We're talking exes, situationships, the person you dated for three months who somehow still lives rent-free in your head—all of it.

Here's one fun thing that lives rent-free in my brain as your intermission. Go refill your emotional support water bottle while you watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6VQDNIZH7U

Step 2: Identify their qualities

For each person, create two columns: positive qualities and negative qualities. Be specific. Don't just write "mean"—write "dismissed my feelings when I was upset" or "made me feel small in front of their friends." On the positive side, get equally specific: "made me feel safe to be myself" or "challenged me to grow."

Step 3: Find your patterns

This is where the magic happens, and by magic I mean the confronting that makes you want to throw your journal across the room. Look at your negative column. What appears more than once? Twice? Every single time? Well, fuck!

These repetitions aren't coincidences—they're your patterns. All beautifully unique to you and your trauma. Fun! Maybe everyone on the list is emotionally unavailable. Maybe they all need you to chase them. Maybe they're all critical of you in similar ways. Write down every pattern you see, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable.

Step 4: Sit with it

Once you see the patterns, you can't unsee them. That's the point. This inventory shows you what you've been accepting, what you've been attracting, and (gut punch) what you've been choosing. Because whether we like it or not, these patterns tell us something about what we believed we deserved or what we were avoiding in ourselves.

But here's where most people stop. They see the pattern, blame the other people, and move on thinking "I just need to find better people." Wrong. If you keep choosing the same behaviors, there's a reason. And that reason is probably serving you in some way you haven't wanted to look at yet.

This next part is a tough pill to swallow. We don't grow if we just look at how other people wronged us or claim that everyone is a narcissist. I'm not saying they aren't—but we allowed them to do the thing that bugged, hurt, or diminished us day in and day out. Yes, there are extreme scenarios where someone is captive or brainwashed, but let's exclude those so we can get to the heart of the matter: What are the payoffs or secondary benefits you got from accepting these things, behaviors, and people in your life?

For example, I find myself with a lot of avoidant people. It doesn't matter if I see it at the time—what I do know is that their affection and attention is sporadic and they tend to be emotionally unavailable. So I have to ask myself: why did I accept this day in and day out?

You'll be inclined to say "I didn't see it" or "I was scared." You need to go deeper. What were you scared of? You saw they were inconsistent—so why did you accept that?

I normalized the behavior because it meant I didn't have to do the hard work of addressing my own limiting beliefs that kept me there. I was addicted to the drama, to the highs and lows. Sure, I'd feel low at the worst of times, but the swings felt like a win. I know I have addictive tendencies because after I got an early eBay account, I got addicted to the winning feeling of shopping there. (Side note: I've been wondering if some of this comes from my ADHD and the need for quick dopamine hits, so if anyone knows or wants to explore this, hit me up.)

Back to our regularly scheduled programming…

There was a high from the feeling of winning over someone who was mostly unavailable. If I have affection from someone avoidant, doesn't that mean I’m special? I pointed fingers outward to avoid looking inward. I ravenously devoured crumbs of intimacy because it was preferable to the available alternative— looking at myself in the mirror and admitting I didn't know or like myself. I was disappointing myself, so I felt like I should be with someone bringing that same let down energy. Wasn't that what I thought I deserved, even if I wasn't saying it? So I kept myself stuck because I did not want to confront the habits and mindsets that constrained me day in and day out.

I'm reminded of this quote: “You tend to rise or fall to the level of the people around you.” - Sahil Bloom

That was me, and I own it. Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it, and that motivated me to want to change it. Change it for me.

Okay, that was a long-ass personal rant, but I did say this would all be very self-centered.

My recommendation to you: pick one quality you see repeated in your partners, or any close relationships, really. What payoff do you get from accepting that thing? Do the 5 Whys if you have to, to get to the heart of it.

This was a lot of work, so I'm going to stop here. Let's end on a more empowering note. Here's a quote from my dating coach that I have yet to use without apologizing for using it (keyword: yet!):

"Are you free today? No, I am priceless."

Do the homework. I'm serious. Pick one relationship pattern and dig into the secondary benefits. I want to hear about it. What pattern keeps showing up? What payoff are you finally ready to let go of? Reply to this email—let's figure it out together.

Stay unscripted.

With Love, Emmy Lu 🖤