How did I get here?
A friend said the darkest thing to me the other day. "The married men are the most single."
I watched this play out in real time at business school. The married guys were the most flirtatious. The most likely to approach you. The most likely to put it out there. They weren't necessarily doing anything. But the appetite for disruption from the daily script was unmissable.
My theory? They're bored. They're lonely. Feeling unseen and criticized. They're miserable. And they did it to themselves.
Here's what I think happens. Men don't look for partners. They look for a suitable wife and mother for their children. They hit a point where they decide it's time to settle down, find someone whose clock is ticking and who has good enough genes, and fall in love with the future mother of their kids. The wife who will remember the grocery list and his favorite type of beer, but not with the actual person.
They marry for legacy. For the life script. Not for love, not for partnership.
And it's not just men.
I’m looking for a man in finance
Women marry the resume. The provider. The potential. And none of it holds up. You married a provider? Cool, enjoy never seeing him. You married potential? Cool, enjoy waiting forever for someone to become who you imagined they'd be.
We hate each other. On both sides. (I sound like such a bitter divorce cliche. I will be the millionth person to tell you it is much better to be alone than in bad company).
"We are asking one person to give us what an entire village once provided."
Here's the thing that makes this so much worse. Who you marry is arguably the single most consequential decision of your life. Research shows your spouse's personality predicts your career success, your income, your health, and your likelihood of getting promoted, even after accounting for your own traits. A study following thousands of couples found that having a happy partner is associated with a 13% lower risk of mortality. Your partner's satisfaction can literally extend your life. And people who say their spouse is their best friend get roughly double the boost from marriage compared to those who don't.
Double!!
Warren Buffett has said the most important decision you'll make has nothing to do with investing or business. It's who you marry. And this is a guy whose entire life is about making the right investment calls.
We have a plethora of evidence that the person you choose to build a life with will shape your health, your career, your wealth, your happiness. And what do we do with that information? We follow a timeline. We fill a role. We check boxes because society told us we're supposed to have certain things by certain ages.
Men find a wife and womb. Women find a provider or a project. Both sides are casting a role, not choosing a person. And then everyone wonders why they're fucking miserable.
The First Marriage Fallacy
I call it the first marriage fallacy. The belief that following the script will get you where you want to go. That the right checklist completed equals the right life.
It doesn't.
The couples who actually thrive? The research is clear. They chose a best friend, not a checklist. An NBER study found that about half of married couples consider their spouse their best friend. Those couples report nearly twice the life satisfaction from their marriage as the ones who don't. And that gap gets widest in middle age, exactly when career pressure, kids, and life demands hit hardest. The people who married a partner ride it out. The people who married a living, breathing checklist are the ones flirting at happy hour wondering how they got here.
As a first marriage survivor, all I'm looking for now is a true partner. I am fortunate enough to not have a timeline to rush me. I'm not looking for someone to complete me. I'm complete. I want someone who's complete too. Two whole people who compound and make an even better life together. Not two half-people hoping the other fills in the gaps, because they were too lazy or scared to work on themselves.
That's the difference between marrying out of central casting and choosing your partner.
Disagree with my assessment? Hit me with your best argument, first marriage warriors!
Stay unscripted my loves 🖤 - EmmyLu