Not sure what it says about me that several exes have reached out after reading my newsletter asking if I was talking about them. All I can say is they are all so vain, they clearly think this is all about them anddddd woah I have a type.
They are so vain!
Well, I have a pattern. I have dated all types, but how they show up tends to be the same. Or I accept the same behaviors in everyone I see romantically. As you have seen in previous newsletters, I STRUGGLE to break these patterns and pivot to a new script. Then, I tend to keep myself stuck to stay with that person. I can't decide if it is to keep myself safe or I am paying good money after bad (see I'm done paying tuition for the same lesson).
Step 1: I have gotten past identifying the problem/pattern.
Step 2: Decide that you want to do different (even when you don't know how or what the new different is).
Step 3: How to do things differently. I'd call that the Dating Rules (revisit the rules).
Step 4: Success 🤷♀️ we all live happily ever after, right?
What happens when the rules and carefully laid out steps don't work? I suppose the rules might work if I could rigidly follow them, but going from 0 to 100% rule-abiding citizen feels impossible. I can't suddenly be the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. But maybe I can be the kid who can save a bite for later?
There is the messy middle between Steps 3 and 4, so maybe we call it 3A which is calibration and muscle development. As a rule breaker, I'm here to say give yourself some grace as you train this new skill. I write a lot about developing a new skill in practice but less about giving yourself grace as you grow. I use the 2/10 rule.
Some days we are just a 2/10
Why do we all have the expectation that we're at 100% every day? Literally no one can show up like that yet. It's what we expect of ourselves, the best of all time. Some days you're a 92, some days you're a 2; most days you're somewhere in between, and it's fine. You get through it with the people in your life. You stick it out, they stick around, and we get onto the next day. Stop thinking you need to be 💯 every day.
Those A+ students are even worse with this because they're like, "Well, I've never failed at anything in my life." Sure, you can prepare for an exam and get an A, but you were long preparing for that day. Every day is different. Daily life is different. You can't show up every day at A+. It's just not realistic, so get over yourself. You aren't that special (this is also what I told the exes when they asked, jkjk).
One of the best exercises I've ever heard of a couple doing was: they meet in the morning, and they're like, "Hey, today, you know what? I'm a fucking 44." The other person's like, "You know what? I'm gonna make up for the rest of your hundred and support you."
"How can I support you to get into your hundred?" That's the kind of partner, team, and friends we need.
So to the vain men wondering if this newsletter is about them: the part where I tried to be 100 on my own and couldn't let anyone help? Fine. That one's about you.
But the part where I finally learned to let people fill in my gaps? That one's about the community I've built since. They know.
Stay unscripted my loves
🖤 - EmmyLu